a woman in search of her word...

growing into something special

2011-12-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

In 2011, I realize how much I have grown. While I'm probably biased in this sense, I do think it has been changed for the better. In the beginning of this year, I had a lot of things going on. If you had told me at the beginning that I would be engaged before the end of the year, I would have thought you were crazy.

I can say that I have found someone who surpasses my expectations of him every day. Yes, we have our bad days but we are growing together and moving forward in our lives. I've really come to know what I want and how to tell people what I need. I may let things fester below the surface for a little too long still. But I'm getting better about voicing my concerns instead of acting out. A big part of that is this new relationship I am developing with my mom. She is really becoming my go to person for my issues and I can honestly say she knows everything about me (minus a few details from my past). She knows my heart and what I want for my future.

With everything that has happened this year, I see that I can potentially become something so much greater than what I am currently. I know that with my growing family on my side I can accomplish and achieve my dreams.

I know that I have so much to look forward to next year and I'm looking forward to setting some new goals and starting over. While a lot of it is going to focus on my finances and upcoming nuptials, I think that many of the things I am going to focus on for the next year will make me better for a lifetime.

...here's to you...

2011-11-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

So here I sit, still battling through what to say to a best friend. There are no words to express how far we've come and how far we have yet to go. But separate ways seem to be our best advantage. Admitting that the friendship had a negative effect on both of us was probably one of the hardest things to admit to each other. So much so that I couldn't do it myself.

When I believe that I'm the failure and that I could have done more, it is REALLY hard to be confident that the outcome was meant to be. I'm not a believer of fate or destiny. And I know that I don't tend to include myself in friendships with others who see the world in this light. But I'm forever grateful for the friendship I have had and will probably never have again.

I'm a better person for having gone through the roller coaster with you. I wish you the best, even though it is obvious that I can never say that to you in person. There were so many things I wanted to tell you and celebrate with you, but I will always be able to remember things the way I wanted to, at the best of times.

the word is friendship...look it up

2011-05-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

I realized that it's almost been over a month, so I thought that I would go ahead and try to come up with something to put on here. So I will try to sum up one cohesive thought that I have acknowledged over this last month.

It's easy to be tempted, even when you are happy. Especially when you know what it is like to have "been there, done that". But you realize how strong you actually are when you have the ability to deny that temptation. That being said, truly happy with my choices that I have made so far. Everything kind of seems to be falling into place except for that pesky job situation.

I've realized how many times things are beyond my control. And no matter how hard you can try to make everyone like you, there will always be someone rooting against you for one reason or another. I had a "family" situation this past month and it really wore me down. To hear someone say that they didn't think I was good enough or to imply that I am using someone really hurts, especially when that person really means a lot to me.

Sometimes conflict can bring out the worst qualities in a person, and I just hope that I can keep my composure. While we all know I'm hot headed, I really do try to keep things contained unless I'm in a one-on-one situation. That being said, I'm allowing myself this one singular rant from a past weekend. When someone puts forth the effort to make an appearance in your life whether it be out of the way or an everyday occurrence, either be appreciative of their presence and spend time with them OR tell them that you really would prefer not to have them around. Sending mixed signals makes no one happy and hurts relationships/friendships more than you could have ever realized.

Now, I know that seems general to some of you. But others can probably take it personally. I do not intend to maintain my friendships one sided. While I love all of my friends to death, I do not appreciate being a door mat. Make the time for me, or I will show you the exact same consideration you have shown me all along.

the benefits to my sole pursuit

2011-03-28T09:12:00.001-07:00

My favorite poem will continue to be my favorite for many years to come. The realization of the layers of meanings it has resurfaced over the weekend, and now I'm slightly more emotional than ever before. So excuse me if you see tears, they are tears of joy.

i carry your heart with me by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

While I never considered the most obvious perspective this holds, I find that this realization still gives me the peace of mind I have been longing for. And when you find something like that, something that makes you change for the better, you just hold onto it and never let go.

Becoming more like who I want to be in the future is my sole pursuit right now, and finding someone who doesn't mind tagging along for the ride right now? It's just a wonderful benefit. While this isn't the first time that I have felt like a complete whole person...I'm starting to hope it's my last. While that fact may break a few hearts, I hope to God that those hearts heal and find their own benefits in life. After all, everyone does deserve their happily ever after moment.

As for the changing for the better, I'm starting to really get a handle on this taking care of my own happiness and not caring what other people have to say about it. While I say that I have never cared what people thought, those closest to me know the truth. That those thoughts are ALWAYS on my mind. So while I may retrograde back into this mayhem once in a while, but I'm making a solid effort (with a little help), to try and make this change permanent.

keeping myself weird

2011-02-23T20:42:00.000-08:00

For my small group this week, we talked about how everybody is weird and in desperate need of Grace. We defined Grace as the second chance, an opportunity to grow, a moment where you experience something that makes you feel like you aren't alone in this world. Sometimes you achieve this through a relationship with God, sometimes you are given Grace by the people you surround yourself with.

This is all given to us through opportunities, defining moments, times that we can look back on and say "that was the turning point" or "that's where it all began". It is strange to think that many times we don't recognize those moments when they happen, but reflecting upon them is when it becomes really serious and very real. I feel like I have had a few of those moments in the last week. My relationships and friendships with people have shifted and changed, and I'm not entirely sure if they are lined up where I want them to be anymore, but it is officially out of my hands.

Anyways, that was my ramble for the post. I probably should go in to it more considering my audience, but I'd rather not due to the same fact. So...instead I will distract with my grateful discovery of the real name of my favorite flower. A little back story to why I haven't known before this point. I have very few favorite movies that classify as romantic comedies or chick flicks, but one in particular would definitely qualify in that category. Simply Irresistible. Not a classic obviously, but it does reveal my passion for cooking and why I think I enjoy it so much. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they cook and I definitely feel like this movie give me something to identify with on that level.

So, in the movie there is a scene where she cooks with flowers (and I'm jealous of that ability because I think that I would wind up poisoning the people I'm cooking for). During the movie they called it the "vanilla orchid" and I've been trying to figure out the real name ever since because that is obviously not the real name. And drum roll please...Oncidium Sharry Baby. No lie. I think I prefer trying call it a Vanilla Orchid, much easier to say. Now I finally have the actual name to say when asked that question. Almost a relief.

But logically speaking? Not exactly an answer that I should give as its rare, expensive, and apparently need to be imported if I'm reading this website correctly. There go my hopes of ever getting my real favorite flower! So now I have to be in the market for a more reasonable choice. The only thing I can say for sure is no matter what, I will never respect a man who gives me roses. See the previous post, I never want to be a cliche.

Well, I guess that's it for now. To the left is a picture of the "Vanilla Orchid".

story of a lifetime

2011-02-09T17:59:00.000-08:00

When I hear this song it makes me think of so many different parts of my life. And honestly looking back I see what a hopeless romantic I really used to be. Every guy I met led to this potential fair tale that always ended in a happily ever after.

Learning that I need to be happy on my own has become increasingly more important to me. While having another person in my life would be wonderful, I know that I need to remain patient and enjoy my own life before I can ever hope to share it with someone else. This week will be a test. Valentine's Day is probably my least favorite holiday, I have yet to have a truly happy one. I say that I hate it and that nothing can fix it, but I honestly believe that it's because I can never seem to find someone who is willing to participate in my "ideal day" instead of what society believes it should be.

We all know that I am a girl that likes to march to the beat of my own drum. I would never be happy with a typical candle light dinner, dozen red roses, and a box of chocolates. That would be way too easy and cliche, which is exactly what I don't want in my life. I don't want simple, I don't want a routine, I want the big gesture that no girl has ever had. Asking a lot? Obviously. Do I think I'm worth it? Heck yes I do.

In the end I may not wind up with a fairy tale, but I want one heck of a story.

new favorite poet!

2011-01-27T14:29:00.000-08:00

What Teacher's Make

Totally Like Whatever, You Know?

www.taylormali.com

to be my own person

2011-01-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the past year of my life, I realize how much I morph into the person that is needed for someone else. I become someone who I am not entirely happy with for the sake of being this perfect person, and it's exhausting. This realization has been developing over a great time span right now, but it has always been something that was in the back of my mind.

The beginning of this idea started in college during a discussion about how people begin to resemble their dogs or vice versa. Then it elaborated even further when I was watching Eat, Pray, Love, some of you may recognize the scene in which the main characters best friends tell her that she used to resemble her ex-husband, but now she looks so much more like her current boyfriend.

Sometimes this adaptability can be a curse. You feel like you are in constant pursuit of finding your true self, but in reality you are just trying on different personalities to suit the necessary needs for someone else. The desire to be the perfect someone for another person can be an underlying feeling that never really surfaces until you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that the friends you have are merely there during those time periods, and you may not have these "life-long" friends that you anticipated.

When in a discussion last week over dinner, I realized that instead of calling people "old friends" I should be merely referring to them as acquaintances. Which is rather depressing when you think about it. Here I am in my hometown, and I feel lost. I feel like there really are no friends of mine here, yet some of these acquaintances are still around.

With this being said, I am going to make a conscious effort over the next few month to be my own person, make these friendships and relationships that I know I NEED to have, before getting consumed in a relationship. Now, that is not saying that a relationship isn't around the corner. What this is saying is that I need to continue to maintain my own persona while in this relationship. Which means I need to find someone who will keep me in check and make sure that they have their own life without me as well.

End goal, I want to be in a relationship without having to be a "we" or "us" just yet. I am my own person. And I always will be.

because i knew you...

2011-01-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

"Life is like an hourglass, eventually everything hits the bottom. And all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along and turns it all around."

Now, I know this is contradictory to the previous post calling the "one" theory foolish. But this is talking about that one person coming into your life, just trying to make things appear to be more hopeful, even when you feel like you are in the darkest hour of your life. This can be a parent, a sibling, a best friend, or even someone who will fill that relationship void in your life.

These people, these moments, these are the things we need to look forward to in life. If we hope that eventually this statement will become a fact in our lives, either by coincidence or active pursuit, maybe we will all be lucky enough to change for the better.

It's nice to think that we all will have at least one pivotal moment in our lives. One thing that will change our course indefinitely. The question is, will we recognize when this situation comes along? Or will we just act like it's another moment in our lives and treat it like any other.

When I look back at the important moments in my life through hindsight, I realize that I have done nothing with those moments. Nothing. I want to take this time to be grateful and appreciate those that are in my life and will hopefully be there for a long time to come.

tale as old as time

2011-01-07T07:56:00.001-08:00

When you have a realization that your biggest mistake may not be your biggest regret, it's kind of like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

There are many stages of realizing that you love someone and the stages of love. There is the moment when you think it, the moment when you think you know it, the moment when you know you know it but you just can’t say it, and the moment when you know you know it but you can’t keep it in any longer. Some people can breeze through these stages within the hours of meeting someone, others take longer periods of time to go through each step.

The part that makes you nervous inside is when you feel like these steps have come out of order and there is no way to take them back. But when you learn that these thoughts are okay, perfectly normal, and accepted...you begin to feel at ease instead of controlled and bottled like you had before.

The part that will frighten you is when you begin to feel like you are falling out of love. The fear that we have or are saying something that may not be true will consume you. But in the end, you have to do what is right for you. Even if it is difficult. Even if it is not the best time. Even if it means hurting someone that you do love. Even when you know that there will be consequences.

"God, grant us the
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless. "

the weepies...

2010-12-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

There has to be something, a feeling, soft spoken words, a spark, chemistry, that something special.

These are all things we come to expect from love. The love that we see our friends experience. The love that we see on television shows and in movies. We have come to expect that we too will have that moment, the moment where you look into someone's eyes and you know that you are meant to be forever.

But what happens if time after time you fail to have the "you're the one I will end up with moment". Now I'll admit that I have previously convinced myself that I have had this moment on countless occasions, but this week my small group at church had a dinner and the topic of my relationship status came up. Now it's the holidays, and I tend to think the worst of people who end it around the holidays. But one of the girls who I am happy to call a friend spoke up and gave me some of the best advice I've heard in a awhile.

"You have to do this for yourself. Do you really want to spend another holiday with someone you aren't on the same page with? The only reason you have to have when you end it with someone is that he wasn't 'the one'."

Now, with that being said, I have to consider if I believe in this "one". Is there really a soul mate out there that I'm destined to be with? Is there really someone who will give me that "complete" feeling in life? We grow up believing that there is such a connection out there and that we are destined to find it early in life. But what if we don't find it...what if we wind up thinking there is that one and we DON'T find it.

Opposite side of the spectrum. We have a girl in our group that has been on several dating websites two times or more and has remained unsuccessful in love. Is she setting the bar to high to find her soul mate, or is she turning down the good things because we all believe in this promise that our epic love story is out there waiting to be made.

"But you and me walk on
cause you can't go back now
and yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me."

But look at how far we have come...

the color GREEN...

2010-12-20T14:04:00.001-08:00

The next day. That what these past few weeks have been about for me, getting to the next day. I haven't really been taking the time to enjoy the moment that I'm in, it's like I'm a spectator in my own life. The idea of someone else being in control of my decisions frustrates me.

It's not like I'm running away or towards something, maybe I'm just running in circles. I feel like I'm spinning now because things are becoming more complicated than ever before. While I remain in control of my life, I am not in control of how other people might interfere.

I don't want to be defined by the decisions that I am forced to make, or the cards that I have been dealt. I want to be defined by who I am, by my favorite things to do, by my favorite people in the world. My best friends all know parts of me, and I want to make all those parts into one cohesive picture. This glowing mural of character traits and flaws will be the definition of me.

on to NEVER NEVER LAND

2010-11-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

There are many things in life that are beyond my control, and I have difficulty accepting that. I know that I can not be responsible for others actions or be in charge of other people, but I know that I am responsible for myself and my own actions. There are consequences to every action and reaction, but those are not without limits.

While some people can choose to wait for things to happen to them, I choose to take a step into life, and try to put myself out there as much as I can (as soon as I can quit being sick). I feel like this next month has been a long time coming, but as the day grows closer, I feel like I am more lost than before. While I try to find myself as a person, I have to grow up.

I remember being the little girl singing along with Peter Pan about how "I'll never grow up." Now the day has come that I have to...

fatherly advice

2010-11-20T11:44:00.000-08:00

When you feel like those that should care are on their way out of your life, it's a struggle to maintain balance. Situations change, and the circumstances that surround your relationship with a person can change based on a number of things. It is important that you try to maintain a relationship so long as you believe that their friendship is good for your soul.

It is hard for me to think about where I was for this holiday for the last two years. Thanksgiving has been a not great holiday for these last two years. What used to be my favorite holiday has a new stigma that makes me dread this day. Two years ago was the first time that I really felt abandoned from love, like I was truly alone in that aspect of my life. Last year, due to circumstances beyond my control, I was put into that situation again.

I am choosing to make this a better memory than ever. I am following the advice that my dad has always given me during the holidays, "lower your expectations and raise your tolerance". I plan to do just that this holiday season. I will be seeing my dad's side of my extended family for Thanksgiving this year, which is really exciting as I haven't seen them since my sister's wedding.

What I believe I struggle with the most is my ability to truly forgive with all my heart. I have always been reluctant to accept my own mistakes and faults, I see the flaws and the consequences of others actions, but believe that I remain only the victim. I must accept the consequences of my own actions and make peace with that.

"What is done in the the dark, will always come into light."

a journey into GRACE

2010-11-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

This is the start to a new chapter of my life. Not as in graduating college, getting my first real job, or moving to a new city. I believe that we all define ourselves as living in different chapters or stages of our lives based on circumstance, location, or age. I feel that this chapter, will remain undefined in my life. This is my search for who I am.

I feel as if searching for myself has this negative connotation to itself. But let me assure you that this is not the way I view it. I acknowledge the fact that it has been a long time since I truly lived for myself no matter what the consequences. I feel like asking for a new beginning would be the wrong way of solving things. But I want to take charge in my own life and see where this takes me.

Knowing that the end result is not to re-define myself, but more so to clearly define the kind of person I am and making sure that this person is who I want to be for the rest of my life.

I hope to one day wake up and be content with my life, with the person I have become. I want to be able to manage my thoughts and feelings, not so I do not express them, but so I can acknowledge what they are before they become outwardly expressed. I want to have that control. The control that helps me to manage my faults and not showcase them.

The most important part. I forgive myself, and others in my life, who have done negative things in my life. Everyone deserves their second chance, and every dog will have its day. I choose to forgive, and remember the better moments that were attached to all those people and emotions. Without those moments and people from my past, I would be in a different place in my life.

I am grateful, eternally grateful...